From the TV news headlines

I’ve been away from most news sources for the week, so I’ve only been able to rely on an occasional television news headline to stay informed on what is happening in the world. Here are some things I’ve learned…

Leading our news tonight, Michael Jackson is still dead. His career is alive and well however, and his music sales continue to be milked for all they are worth. His career will now be investigated as a possible suspect in his death.

Experts believe that you can prevent the possibility of a shark attack by staying out of the water when sharks are present. Watch a two-hour special this Sunday on the Discovery Channel for more information and graphic videos!

The President of the United States, stating that he wanted to put an embarrassing situation behind him, paraded out in front of the TV cameras along with a history professor, a policeman, and Vice-President What’s-His-Name in an attempt to renew the public attention of the event. Tune in tonight to learn what brand-name adult beverages each participant drank, and find out if the beverage actually improved the vice-president’s ability to think and speak at the same time.

And next up, our weatherman will be out on the street to talk to the crowd and tell some jokes (If anyone is seriously hurt, our cameras will bring it to you first!).