Dear Good People at Wilmington Delaware,
I wish to thank you for your kind offers, day in and day out, to present to my wife and me with new credit cards. We deeply admire your spirit of endurance, to continue to present us with these unique and exclusive offers. The vast amount of money you have spent on postage alone in an effort to lend us credit has simply astounded us, and we are deeply touched by your sincere concern and generosity which you express in your mailings! Likewise, the very kind people whom you have call our home each night are certainly nice individuals, and it is a pleasure to make their acquaintances.
You may or may not have noticed our lack of reply to your offers. You see, despite your best efforts to serve our borrowing needs, we have carefully considered our financial situation, and come to the determination that we simply do not need another credit card. We realize that you will find this hard to believe. We recognize that stating such a thing to you sounds somewhat akin to telling our dentist that we think brushing four times a day is excessive.
We are quite certain that your credit products are, as you claim, hands down the very best and most wonderful things a person could possibly hope to possess inside of his or her wallet. We must tell you though, that your continuous mailings have become, to say politely, obnoxious to us. Please do not take as a personal attack, but we are asking you to kindly stop sending us these offers by mail and telephone.
Please understand that our biggest problem in receiving your continuous credit invitations is that we, in an age of concerns about identity theft, are forced to tear up and shred a vast majority of our mail each day. Our daughter, who is 15 months old, sees this, and gets excited when the mail comes. If we are not careful to watch that the mail is out of her reach, she will get hold of our mail and follow our example, tearing it up with glee and delight. This has lead to mail which we do not wish to be destroyed being wrought upon by her helpful young hands. We hope that if you resist sending these offers to us, it will be mutually beneficial, as you will save printing and postage costs, and we will begin to teach our daughter to respect the United States Postal Service deliveries that arrive to our home.
Also, if you could ask those kind persons to cease calling us with the offers, this will help us to teach our daughter that proper phone etiquette does not mean answering the telephone and saying the following: “Hello… no, we’re not interested… no, I’m afraid not… NO THANK YOU,” followed by slamming the phone to the hook (which, admittedly, since the advent of the cordless phone is not nearly as dramatic as it used to be, but I digress).
Again, we wish you all the best in your work to bring to the world the very best financial lending products that exist in this great country. Inasmuch as you have been so kind in your efforts to look after us with the finest of offers and opportunities, we hope there are no hard feelings. Please understand our position and respect our requests to discontinue our relationship. Should we change our mind, we will be sure to contact you (we do have your return address, trust us!)
Ryan and Glorajean Beardall