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March, 2009

  1. Dear Senator (hic) yew r stup ud sissy… (hic)

    March 27, 2009 by Ryan

    I read this sentence…

    Patrons in Oregon bars downed brews while writing lawmakers to oppose a proposed beer tax increase.

    …part of a larger article about “sin taxes” going into effect across the country. And I wondered to myself, did anyone save a copy of those letters? Because they might be fun to read. Especially as more beverages were consumed throughout the evening.

    (insert dream-sequence background music here)

    Dear Honorable Senator, (first round)
    It has come to my attention that you have proposed increasing taxes on adult-beverages. (second round)
    I find this deplorable and intolleratedable. (third round) It costeds me alot to drink as it is, an I dont’ have more money to bee taxing. (fourth round) Y donut you mind yur own danged bizness? ifn I want’ a drink, I’ll have a drink! (fifth round) i pay your celery, u shuld list’n 2 me! (sixth round) y donnut u go home, you sissy, an leaf me a lone! U stup ud sissy!
    (signed)
    “You’re Mom” (giggle and high five neighbors)


  2. This area intentionally left blank.

    March 26, 2009 by Ryan

    This area intentionally left blank. Well, not completely blank, since the above non-empty disclaimer appears on the page. What is meant is that this area is devoid of meaningful content related to the rest of the document. This area serves only as a separator between sections, chapters, or other divisions of the document. The area is not completely blank so that you know that nothing was unintentionally left out, or because of an error in duplication, or even because of some other production problem. If this area were really blank, you wouldn’t be reading anything. Therefore, this area has not been left blank by accident, but is left non-blank on purpose. The statement in the area should say: “This page was intentionally left non-blank.


  3. Idaho, a Gem of a Journey

    March 22, 2009 by Nate and Michelle

    Get on the ground and roll around.  Do the potato dance.

    It’s amazing what boredom will make you do.  Out of desperation we decided to attempt to add excitement and wonder to our rather dull day by driving to the enchanting Gem state.  For those of you who do not know, or can not read the title, that is Idaho.  ID.  Land of potatoes.  Thus the opening song that one of us, who would like to remain anonymous, made up during the fascinating and extremely scenic drive from Logan to Preston.

    But wait, that’s not all.  If you order today we will throw in a real family heirloom, a genuine square of toilet paper (unused) from THE Stokes Market in Preston ID.  We will also slash the price by 1 payment, making this extremely affordable keepsake yours today for only . . .

    Arriving in Preston, we did the only thing logical to do in Preston: search for Napoleon Dynamite sites.  However, since this trip was severely spontaneous and derived from sheer desperation to salvage an already dismal day celebration, we were lacking A) A map/list of sites, B) a camera, and C) our minds (what WERE we thinking anyway?). 

    We did, however, after a frantic call to free directory assistance, find the DI.  In it’s temporary location due to remodeling.  No dance groove videos or sweet suits.  They didn’t even have used tots.  We also went to Kings, where they do NOT carry 24 packs of markers.  Or 12 packs either.  They really mix and match these days with the economic crisis.  Only 10 packs for Prestonians.

    And, yes, we went to the bathroom in the one grocery store we could find.  No, no movie significance that we know of, but, hey, I’m pregnant and picky and it’s the nicest looking building in Preston.  And it was my birthday.  Apparently.

    We also saw a suicidal cow just south of Richmond, UT.  It appeared to be precariously atop a billboard that was smaller than the actual cow.  Reports from the engineer in the family indicated that the structure was not designed to support such a load.  Yeah, we’re talking about you, Betsy.  They weren’t kidding when they said happy cows come from California.


  4. Protected: She’s got spring fever

    March 20, 2009 by Ryan

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  5. Have it your way

    March 14, 2009 by Ryan

    Yes, your honor. I’ll be happy to explain to the court what happened.

    February 14, 2001, was our first Valentines together. And being the romantic that I am, I reasoned that all the restaurants would be full that day, so we should do something simple for a V-Day dinner, and go to someplace fancier on a different night when it would be less crowded.

    Yes, your honor. She did willingly agree to go along with the plan. And with that logic, that is how we ended up eating at Burger King.

    When the court stops laughing, may I remind them that I am a witness here today, to testify about what I saw – not to stand trial for my own foolish actions?

    Thank you, your honor. We had ordered our meal, and were two of three people dining in the restaurant that evening. We were engaged in conversation, and barely noticed as another couple entered through the front doors and drifted toward the counter, where they stopped and studied the menu, carefully weighing their own dining options.

    A few minutes later, two young ladies came in the same front door of the restaurant. One of them recognized the young man. I do not recall the exact conversation, but the best I can remember, it went like this: She called his name – loud enough so the entire restaurant had her attention. She hurried up to his side, all the while loudly saying, “I thought I recognized you!” She had now reached the vicinity of his immediate person, set her hand on his shoulder. Though she was well within a range that he could hear her in normal volume, she increased her volume yet again, and continued, “YOU LOUSY NO-GOOD TWO-TIMING CHEATING” and then continued the rant using words that, as a religious man, I am uncomfortable repeating.

    Her speech continued at full volume, as she called him many names that would make a sailor blush. One of the things that she mentioned that stood out to me was “…AND I HAVE TO FIND OUT ON VALENTINES DAY THAT YOU…” Neither the young man, nor the young woman who had accompanied him to the restaurant, seemed surprised by any of this. They knowingly looked at each other, and began walking, arm in arm, back through the restaurant and out the front door. The vocal girl followed one step behind them, continuing to yell loudly her complaint. The other young lady, who had accompanied Miss Conversationalist into the restaurant, was somewhat embarrassed by all of this. She had stayed standing by the doors, and looked like as the parties exited that she would take the roll of trying to mediate the situation – perhaps make sure that no one would become injured, and unsuccessfully attempt to calm down her bigmouthed friend.

    Immediately after their departure from the building, everyone – staff and diners – was stunned silent. After a few seconds, I turned toward the counter, and called out with a loud voice so that all could hear, “I think they will have their order to go.” That ice-breaking comment brought smiles to all, and everyone resumed their previous actions.

    There was one more interesting piece to this story. Several minutes later (at least five, perhaps closer to ten), the broken-hearted sweetheart returned. She poked her head in the doors, and called again in a loud, but more mellowed voice, “Hey everyone. I wanted to apologize. I’m sorry,” she said. After a brief pause, she continued, “THAT MY EX-BOYFRIEND IS A TWO-TIMING SNAKE…” and continued with a rant similar to the one already demonstrated. Her friend reappeared, embarrassed again, and pulled her out the door to take her to safety.

    And that, your honor, was the memorable experience we had on our first Valentines date. Ah, amour!


  6. Pearl of Wisdom

    March 13, 2009 by Nate and Michelle

    If you are pregnant and just starting to show, and your co-worker comes up to you patting her gut and says “you’re almost as big as me now,” the incorrect response is “I’m getting there.”


  7. I’ll take the Number 5 meal for 1010, Supersize-it for 300 more!

    March 11, 2009 by Ryan

    Warning: When I read this, I became a little mad. Maybe it was because Daylight Savings Time has disrupted my sleeping patterns. Or maybe my gut tells me that this plan will needlessly cost fast food restaurants time and money, which they in turn will pass on to the people who frequent them.

    In short, Rep. Jim Matheson, D-Utah wants chain restaurants to post on menu boards how many calories each item contains.

    For what purpose? He explained to his fellow House members about the habits of average Americans this way. “American adults buy a meal or a snack from a restaurant five times per week on average and spend 48 percent of their food budget on food away from home, almost $1,078 per person annually. Unfortunately, we have also seen the toll diseases such as obesity and diabetes have taken on society.”

    I am furious at the thought that these people, who most likely won’t step foot into a fast-food place, want to add more intrusion of the federal government into the operation of private businesses. Is there a public outcry for such a thing? If so, then restaurant owners will respond by putting this information on the menu board, or else the public will vote with their wallets and eat elsewhere. But an act of congress to interfere, costing every restaurant money to comply, just because someone thinks it sounds like a good idea?! Very bad idea. The return on investment will not accomplish a thing toward making people eat healthier.And where does it stop? Will we require listing cholesterol, fat, and sodium next? How big will these boards have to get?

    Here is the link to the story.


  8. The Pinky and the Brain Cloud

    March 9, 2009 by Nate and Michelle

    A comprehensive look into a disconcerting phenomenon

    by Snow White and the Seven Samurai

    Gee, Brain! What are we going to do tonight?

    Since the inception of “Animaniacs” in 1993, “Pinky and the Brain” (P&B) has become one of America’s most iconic animated comedies. It has been said that these two mice even rival the greatness of Disney’s classic Mickey Mouse. These mice became so popular that after the unfortunate cancellation of the “Animaniacs” series, “Pinky and the Brain” continued to air in their own show from 1995 to 1998. Despite the greatness of the show, one downside has been proven; one’s productivity in other projects is inversely proportional to the attention given to the show.

    To prove their mousey worth

    In the critically acclaimed article “Their Genes Have Been Spliced” (Laboratory Mice; September 14, 1993), Elmyra Duff represents attention given to the show with the variable B. In explanation of this variable, Elmyra suggests that B be given a value from 1 to 100, representing the percentage of one’s attention occupied by the show. Thus,

    B = Percentage of person’s attention focused on P&B  (1≤B≤100)

    But what if the chicken won’t wear the nylons?

    In a follow-up study performed by Dr. Otto Scratchansniff, productivity in one’s current endeavors could be represented by a variable P, with the limits of the variable’s values being 1 and 100, where a value of 1 represents someone only being 1% productive, and 100 represents a person being as productive as possible (“Easy to Explain,” Twilight Campaign; September 9, 1995). Scratchansniff points out that when a test subject was shown an episode of “Pinky and the Brain,” their overall productivity decreased.

    Are you pondering what I’m pondering?

    The author would suggest that the relationship between the variables P and B can be shown by a simple algebraic relationship:

    P=1/B

    Therefore, P and B are inversely proportional. Given the limits on the two variables and this equation, a graph showing the relationship between the variables looks like the following:

    chart1

    It can be observed that even if only 10% of one’s attention is focused on “Pinky and the Brain”, only 10% productivity is achieved.

    Let me put this in terms that even you can understand

    A study was conducted recently by German Professor Otto Von Schnitzelpusskrankengescheitmeyer and his lovely assistant, Dot, involving college age test subjects performing menial tasks while being subjected to the influence of “Pinky and the Brain” versus a more wholesome television show. In this study, test subjects were divided into two groups: Wacko and Yakko. Both groups were assigned to write an honors English term paper on the collective works of Shakespeare and their impact on modern society. Group Wacko were forced to watch “Brady Bunch” episodes, while group Yakko watched “Pinky and the Brain” continuously while writing their term papers. Brain activity of each group is represented in the following pie charts.

    chart2

    chart3

    As evidenced by the above pie charts, “Pinky and the Brain” severely influenced the abilities of the test subjects to focus on their tasks. Therefore, we can draw the conclusion that one’s abilities to do anything is affected by the influence of “Pinky and the Brain.” We also learn from this study that Shakespeare’s Romeo was actually wooing Juliet in an effort to take over the world. Ultimately, he fails, as did the student who wrote the paper.

    Egad. You astound me.

    Another observation to be proved in future research is that the integral of the equation P=1/B is P=ln B, which, when evaluated over a given period, shows that overall productivity over a length of time is severely inhibited by “Pinky and the Brain.”

    Come, Pinky, we must prepare for tomorrow night.

    The lyrics to the theme song for “Pinky and the Brain” state that “To prove their mousey worth, they’ll overthrow the earth, they’re dinky, they’re Pinky and the Brain.” Though the episodes of the show indicate that Pinky and Brain use outlandish methods to overthrow the earth, their real plan is to air their show until all humans are completely unproductive. Then, and only then, will they take over the world. Narf!


  9. The crustacean of customer service

    March 7, 2009 by Ryan

    At Maceys, the local grocery store chain, they have a little show that they have done on weekends, put on by the guy in charge at the meat department. It is a fun gimmick, where he dresses up in his wet suit, snorkel, and flippers, and walks out to the “stage” area (usually some chairs setup just by the deli department) to show kids a couple of different sea creatures. He also puts a plug in for the parents to go and buy these great meats over at the meat counter. The kids get to put on a plastic glove and touch the fish.

    In the past couple weeks, we have timed our shopping visits to see the shows, which had ran pretty much every half hour for most of the day Saturdays. My daughter has enjoyed the shows, and the daddy / daughter shopping time together. I’ve even learned a few things about fish, and it has been a good experience.

    Today, we went again hopping to see the Fish Master show. But this week, the sign said “Show Canceled Today.” I was bracing my daughter for the disappointment, as another family with four kids came by and also saw the sign.

    The fish master was there, working behind the meat counter at his day job. He had his normal butcher apron and hat on. He came out to talk to the kids and apologize. He said they just didn’t have room to do it for the next three weeks with the other promotions that were also going on. And, he explained for the parents, the management has changed the show a bit so that when he does return, he will not do several small shows through the day, but will instead put on a couple of “big” shows.

    And that effort of personally stepping out to talk to his young and disappointed fans was a great touch. But then, he went a little beyond that.

    He thought for a second, and then invited the kids to step right up to the meat counter, and he would be back in just a moment. He had a normal job to do, and he quickly helped a paying customer that was waiting, then disappeared into the back. A moment later, out he came holding a live lobster.

    As he and the lobster stepped out in front of the counter, he also grabbed a box of plastic gloves. They came directly in front of the waiting young audience. He proceeded to teach them about the lobster – how it can see; how it digests its food; that his teeth are inside of his stomach, and his kidneys are inside of his head, and how this guy can live on land for about two days before he has to return to the water. The kids put on a glove and touched the lobster, like they would normally get to do at the end of the show.  He mentioned that another customer had special ordered this creature, but had not come to pick it up yet. And in his abbreviated and impromptu show, he created a little customer service magic. He invited the kids to watch for signs advertising the returning show and come back and see him. And then he returned the sea creature to the back room, and proceeded to help more customers waiting.

    That was excellent customer service, above an beyond the ordinary. Thank you, Fish Master!


  10. Ode to a Ford

    March 4, 2009 by Ryan

    They claim this orchestra are really playing the car parts – that it is not a hoax.

    What do you think?