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March, 2010

  1. Please Notice This Post

    March 25, 2010 by Ryan

    Today in the mail, I took notice of an envelope labeled “Second Notice!” As I noticed the notice, I noticed that I didn’t actually remember noticing the first notice. Was the first notice not noticeable enough to be noticed? Or had the first notice actually overlooked my notice? Was it noticeable at all when it arrived, or was this second notice just noticeably more noticeable?

    Then I wondered if the postman had noticed the delivery of my second notice, and notably thought of me as the unnoticeable type?

    Wait! If the first notice managed to escape my notice, then was it worthy of my notice to begin with? I notice a tendency in myself to notice when notices are notice-worthy, and generally no notice goes unnoticed. So if the first notice was unnoticeable to me, then can they really declare the second notice to be the second notice when the first notice was unable to attract my notice?

    You might notice the dilemma I felt. Should I pay notice to a second notice when the message of the first notice was largely unnoticeable? And if I choose to respond to an inferior second notice, how much notice is it proper to give the company that produced the notices? Will they notice if my lapse in responding to their first notice and second notice was noticeable? Is the second notice the final notice, or will I soon notice a third notice in my mail, if my response is not noticed by the noticing company?

    With all of these thoughts, I noticed beads of sweat appearing on my forehead. Would the neighbors notice the posture of my walk, carrying my second notice and not noticing what it was for? Would rumor spread of noticing my notices, but noting my unnoticeable reaction? Might people put me on notice that they were not going to give me any more notice to their notices? Could this perpetuate into a noticeable predicament?

    Perhaps the neighbors won’t actually notice? Maybe the postman will pay no notice to the notices he delivered me? Or maybe the noticing company might not notice my dearth of response. It might be that the notices escape the notice of all uninterested parties. Maybe no one will actually notice my lack of notices to the notice?

    You will notice that this article is short, because I have noticed that I have no more clever ways to capture the reader’s notice. So I’ll go open my second notice now and see kind of notice they provide me about the notice that is inside.

  2. Happy St. Paddy’s Day!

    March 17, 2010 by Ryan

    Growing up in Ireland, the three brothers were simply inseparable. All who met them admired their great family bond and love that tied them together. Which is why it came as a great surprise the day that the youngest brother announced to his family that he had decided to move to the States.

    At first, his brothers were angry that he was choosing to leave. He expressed his great sorrow at breaking up their brotherly comradery and tradition. As he explained the opportunities that awaited him, his brothers softened their stance and eventually agreed that he must go. However, they each vowed together that they must never forget each other.

    To do that, they decided to establish a tradition. Wherever they found themselves in the world, they would be sure to stop at the local pub every Wednesday night. They would order three drinks – one for each brother. They would sit in the northwest seat of the room. As they downed each drink, they were to think of each other.

    The young man departed, and soon arrived in America. On Wednesday evening, he sought out a local bar, and entered. As agreed, he ordered three drinks, took a seat in the northwest corner of the room, and sat contemplating as he slowly emptied each glass.

    After several weeks of observing this ritual, the bartender asked him about it. With pride, the man explained the agreement that he and his brothers had undertaken. “I know that where ever I am in the world, my brothers are with me!” he declared. The bartender and staff were satisfied and even a bit touched by this sensitive gesture. They admired him, every week, as he came to fulfill the ritual.

    A few years later, the man entered the bar as normal. He walked up to the counter, and ordered only two drinks. The bartender stiffened; other regular patrons froze and looked his way. The bartender poured the two drinks, and gave them to the man. The man took his normal place at his usual table, and began his rite.

    The man finished his second drink, and then sat contemplating. The bartender, having developed a friendship with his customer over the years, stepped over to the table. “I’m sorry about your loss, my friend,” the bartender offered. The customer looked up, confused. Then, in a moment of recognition, he smiled and stated, “Oh, no! It’s not like that at all! My brothers are all fine!”

    The bartender was confused. “Why did you only order two drinks then?”

    The man smiled again, and declared, “You see, I’ve joined the Mormon Church, so I don’t drink anymore!”

  3. Daylight Dummy Time

    March 14, 2010 by Ryan

    It’s a conspiracy, I tell you!

    It used to be, for more years than I can remember, that at the beginning of every April the government would have us turn our clocks forward. In effect, we’d give up an hour of our lives, at the demands of the law. Then every October, like clockwork, we’d switch our clocks back, and the government would happily claim that we were “gaining an hour!” Officials made it sound like we are getting a new hour. In reality, they were just giving us back the same hour! No interest gained! No thank you! Just a pretty name assigned to the hour we complacently sacrificed earlier in the spring.

    More recently in 2007, an act of congress told us that we would somehow save more energy if we extended the time from March to November! And like uninformed, compliant citizens, we went along with it.

    So now, even earlier than before, we all “spring” our clocks forward and “fall” our clocks back. Twice-a-year. Running-ourselves-ragged. Maybe when this tradition started, there was only one grandfather clock in the home. But now, how many clocks do I find myself having to change over? Dozens of digital devices – and each one has a slightly different procedure to remember.

    Offer void in Arizona and Hawaii. They retained sanity and do not participate in the ritual. Aloha!

    So here is the real heart of the conspiracy. I demand to know what the government is doing with my hour from March until November? I have noticed absolutely no difference in the amount of energy I am supposedly saving, so I don’t believe that excuse. No, I think this goes much deeper…

    You see, every year, between March and November, a number of citizens pass away. They obediently surrender their hour in March, and die before the hour is returned to them in November. One hour for  each of the deceased.

    What is being done with their hours?

    I believe that these hours being stored up in a secret underground bunker. Then, they are being brought out and given to top federal officials.

    I have solid evidence to support this. How else can you explain how the President has time to fit in an exercise routine, all those state dinners, his family responsibilities, sleep, run for reelection, and still govern the country? The only answer can be that he is using up those extra hours for himself. Pulling a couple of them out of storage each day and adding them to his own schedule!

    Besides, have you ever compared a photograph of the president at the beginning of his term with one taken at the end? You’ll notice he will appear to age much more than the average citizen would in four years. The answer is simple. Because he has been applying those extra hours for himself, he has effectively aged longer than the rest of the population – and his photo cannot hide it.

    It is not just the current president – compare the before-and-after photos of any of our past leaders, and you will find that this has been going on for quite some time, right under the public’s noses!

    I say we should not take it anymore! We must demand that Daylight Dummy Time laws be repealed immediately! Our president cannot have more hours than the rest of us, and our elderly should not die an hour too soon!


  4. Everything I need to know in life, I learned from watching ‘I Love Lucy’

    March 3, 2010 by Ryan

    * With all that knitting going on, people will naturally start drafting conclusions * Everyone should write at least one play, one novel, and one operetta, and create one sculpture in their lifetime * If you cannot decide how to celebrate your wedding anniversary, get separate dates with the same dating service * A happy little loaf of bread will rise with a full cake of yeast * Be sure that you have a valid marriage license before you practice marriage together * Kleptomania is sweeping the nation! * Keep an updated file photo in your resume * A side of beef won’t fit in the freezer * Take your Vitameatavegamin every day * Cheating will get you nowhere, but dumb luck will win the grand-prize in the bonus-round * It is important to stay organized and keep a schedule * A pound of rice per person will be plenty to serve dinner * Grace Foster will be happy to help you with your surprise anniversary present * Never get caught without a spare handcuffs key * Real French perfume will cost half price in Mexico, so if you buy it you’ll save twice as much (besides, no one can actually afford to buy it in France anyway) * Televisions do not make good neighborly gifts * Pick the right moment to tell your sweetie that you are enceinte * The birth of your baby is so special, you should dress up for it * Some people have just “got no sales resistance” * Never accept at face value an explanation for a black eye * A woman has a right to change her mind over and over * Your lease clearly says no children or pets are allowed * Being an unwitting third party in a love triangle is a bit embarrassing * You can always pay for things out of your allowance * Washing machines do not make good neighborly sales transactions * Friendship awards ceremonies bring out the best in everyone * Husbands are such sloppy dressers * Carlotta Romero is a can’t-miss, must-see show * Put on your best clothes and manners when the people from the TV or magazine are coming by * John Wayne’s footprints would look great in your home * Every train has a jewel thief onboard * Know the difference between a radio show and a rodeo show * Have proof that you were really born * You can get a better exchange rate on the street corner, and see parts of Paris that most tourists never do * Avoid excess airline weight charges by disguising foreign cheese as a human baby * Superman is a hit at children’s birthday parties * Don’t get overdrawn at the bank; those tellers are always telling someone something * To get a Frenchman across the Mexican border without a passport, simply win a bullfight * In France, they have ‘Masculine’ and ‘Feminine’ – in America, you do not have that * Always do whatever it takes to get into the show * Take it from Aunt Sally – spend more money on your pralines than you do on your signs * When taking a road trip, plan your dining and lodging options carefully and well in advance * Smoking is hazardous to your nose * The best way to pass the buck is “We’ll wait until daddy comes home and ask him” * You’ll be the one to learn the lesson when you try to teach someone else a lesson * You can squeeze four people onto two seats at the theater * Raising five hundred chickens is not cheap * Don’t get too chummy with the neighbors too quickly * Building a backyard Bar-B-Q certainly has a ring to it * The sultry young blonde at the dance is about as blond as Lucy is red-headed * Take a look at the Alaskan property before you put your money down * If you’ve got a horse in the race, personally take the reins * No problem is too difficult to solve with the help of your best friends *